It has been said, "If you love someone set them free..." you know the line.
The problem for me is I really don't want to have to hunt them down. The setting free part is comendable, but what if they don't come back? Or if they do, what if they are different?
I think this is the reason so many parents allow their children to move back in after college(and I'm not talking about a short time while looking for work etc, I'm talking about the 25 yr old who never left and mom still folds his laundry).
Todays post is about my sweet little daughter Savy. Oh man has she grown up a bunch in the last year or two, and I'm having a real problem with it. For the most part, I think its due to Cash. Any newborn needs attention, they need care and love, even coddling and extra concern; but with Cash I worry about him more than I ever did Savy. This is all understandable to most, and I don't apologize for being overprotective of him, but how is this translating to my other child?
I'm left-handed, in the "right" frame of my mind, so I think more in overlapping circles than compartmentalized squares. Savy is left-handed, and 8. Sometimes we are so in line with our thoughts, and other times I feel like a satellite flung out, about to hit the point where I shoot back like a rubberband towards earth just as she's headed towards me the other direction. We pass quickly and then, poof, we cannot even see each other.
So I've been thinking about all this, how our talking about Cash this and Cash that and no I'm sorry we cannot do that because we have a doctors appointment for Cash or the multitude of I forgots presumably due to 99% of my brain mulling over Cash stuff. Guilty. Very guilty everytime it happens.
Now though, she is keeping score and I'm afraid I'm down at least a couple touchdowns.
We bring it back to Savy as much as possible, even taking her on our once Date Nights so she feels special and not forgotten. Her summer was extraordinarily busy with lots of great visits, camps etc, all focused on making sure she wasn't just sitting in doctors offices or therapy sessions watching Cash. I think we did a good job.
But I am reminded of the story my mother has told me countless times about my brother Gerald not long after he came home. Mom asked her 4 yr old(me) to sit with him while she made lunch just a few steps away, then it happened, a blood curdling scream straight from her newborns lips. She darted back to see what was the matter, and I had Geralds fingers clamped between my teeth. I was not letting go. After he settled down, she asked me why, and I said, "I hate him, he took my mommy."
This is all fairly common between siblings, nothing to crazy, but the point is, I was able to get my frustration out and tell my mother why I was angry. Savy has never had that opportunity. Her situation is different, older than I was for sure, but more importantly, she knew he could "break" or maybe a step further, "he was broken already, and needed to be fixed". So out of her good nature, she had to suppress any of those feelings.
This past Sunday Kimbeley left for an out of town job, coming back Tuesday night. Within seconds of her walking in the door, Savy makes it clear she wants her mommy back, even saying to me "I wish you and Cash were not here, and I could snuggle with mommy." I guess she symbolically bit his fingers.
Is it the love she has for her mother, or anxiety from lack of attachment that frustrated her. Are Savy and I butting heads for which reason? Will this question be asked when she goes off to college ? Jealousy? Just growing pains and nothing more? I'm at a loss.
One thing I know for sure, I finally know the answer to how parents love their children diefferently. Its very weird to say you love your kids the same, but at the same time different. Volumes of pages could be written just describing how this works, exists and ultimately benefits each child. It is nearly impossible to really explain, but as a parent you just nod your head and agree.
We don't mean to, and don't really want to, it just is. How we demonstrate this balancing act is kind of like sitting on a teeter totter with your kid. It goes up and down, you doing the majority of the work, but nevertheless it rocks back and forth. One day your kid is up and one day they are down, and same to you; but put another kid of a different weight on the other end and it takes a different amount of effort. I hope I balance the love I have with both, I think I do anyhow. As the parent on one side of that teeter, you just have to make sure the kid waiting their turn doesnt see their siblings totter go higher; or you risk getting scolded, or worse.
To tie all this together, I think Savy is growing up beautifully. I genuinely like her and guess she will have many friends. She has a great demeaner. So we've done something right so far. That being said, I have to let the rope out a little further, while making sure that when she looks back she sees me watching her; all the while, holding Cash.
When I finally have to set her free, I hope she comes back. More importantly, I hope she comes back happy and grateful for the sacrifices her parents made. One thing is for sure, I must let her know how grateful we are for the sacrifices she has and will continue to make. Until then I'll keep the teeter tottering, loving both my kids to the best of my ability. Maybe we all will get through this rough patch as we blaze this path none of us have ever walked before.
I love you Savy. Thank you for everything!
