I was asked recently what my biggest fear for Cash is.
Aside from losing him, here was my response and explanation.
My biggest fear for Cash is that he will never get to experience love. The kind you have with your spouse/significant other. Therapy, Special Education, wheelchairs, even surgery do not scare me as much as the possibility Cash never finds love, the romantic kind. A broken heart is better than to never have been loved at all, right?
As a parent, we wish all these things for our kids, many of which I've found to be more for me than him. To see him suit up for a game, or get stuck in the mud at the bay; run across a field chasing after a dove or play hide and seek with his best friend. These are what little kids do, and I want that for him. That being said, there are lots of kids who have never done some of those things, I'm sure there are many who haven't done a one thing mentioned and they live happy fulfilling lives, but what if they never experienced falling in love? I couldn't imagine.
When I was younger, I always had a girl on my mind; he doesn't necessarily need the "always", but it would be tough to see him "never" have that thought or feeling. Worse yet, he has those feelings but they are not returned. Will he remain constantly heart broken and never "good enough" to be considered a worthy partner in life? Will a young lady ever look at my son and see a man, and not just one to be cared for, but as a lover, partner and potential father; all that goes with a life with someone you love.
We just assume this will happen at some point for our kids right? I mean, when was the last time you looked at your child and thought, "I really am concerned that someone may never love you." It's heartbreaking, no?
We always look at them and think, "I hope you live up to your potential and get straight A's," or "You look just like your mother, and you have her quick wit." Meanwhile they are jabbering about their day or what just happened on TV, but you are thinking all these thoughts about how perfect they are, or depending on the day, how much they frustrate you because they cannot seem to turn the damn lights off in any room at any time ever!!!
Regardless, we all think these random thoughts, but never in the last 8 yrs of Savy's life have I looked at her and thought, "Will someone be able to fall in love with her? Will she experience the beauty of a loving relationship? A family? A true love?" In fact its just the opposite for me when I watch Savy talk. I'm thinking, "This girl is gonna have to beat the guys off with a stick! She is awesome!" You see, I think the same things about Cash, cuz he is awesome too. He's adorable, and I'm sure he will dazzle the ladies with his sky blue eyes, but after they get past those windows to his soul will they think, "What a cute guy, I'll always be here as his friend to help him." or will they think, "I can love this man."
I know it seems like I am rambling a bit, and to be honest I am, but its my fear. I was asked.
I totally understand and can see why you have that fear, but I have to tell you that last week we watched Say Yes To The Dress. The girl on there had CP. she to thought she would never get married or fall in love because she did talk different and walked funny. But she met this guy online that saw through all the physical stuff and loved her for who she is inside. And he didn't seem to be a weirdo, he actually was cute and seemed normal. So you never know what God has planned for Cases life. Thought of you when we watched it and thought it was an awesome story.
ReplyDeleteI just came across your blog - thanks so much for sharing your story. I know how hard it can be having a kid with CP, and how scary it can be to wonder what lies in their future. I guess my best advice is just to remember that everything you see in Cash - all his great, lovable qualities - someone else will be able to see, too. We can never really know what is in store for any of us, but it's important to give whatever love we have. If you ever want to get involved in the cerebral palsy community, check out the Cerebral Palsy Family Network and their facebook page - I have found it to be a great resource and support network. Stay strong and God Bless!
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