Not as big of a deal, but still a surgery.
Cash has had a hernia since birth that needs to be corrected. It has also prevented one testicle from dropping. Then theres the old circumcision, put on hold til now. These three minor procedures will begin at 8:15am Friday Sept 14, 2012.
The only part we are really worried about is that he will be put under, and will be assisted with O2.
This may cause him to need O2 assistance for a day or two after. We are just nervous about taking steps backwards in this department. He is still a little shaky in his O2 levels.
The surgery is scheduled overnight, but they will release him if doing well, the same day.
Bubba aint gonna be a happy camper the next few days, thats for sure. Thankfully we have our outstanding nurse coming Saturday to help us the first day with cleaning incisions and keeping Cash comfortable.
So, it looks like this weekend will be football overload while we care for our little boy. Here's to hoping we don't have any complications or additional surgeries for at least a year. Thanks for your prayers in advance!
Cashtons Daddy
Thursday, September 13, 2012
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
My Biggest Fear...
I was asked recently what my biggest fear for Cash is.
Aside from losing him, here was my response and explanation.
My biggest fear for Cash is that he will never get to experience love. The kind you have with your spouse/significant other. Therapy, Special Education, wheelchairs, even surgery do not scare me as much as the possibility Cash never finds love, the romantic kind. A broken heart is better than to never have been loved at all, right?
As a parent, we wish all these things for our kids, many of which I've found to be more for me than him. To see him suit up for a game, or get stuck in the mud at the bay; run across a field chasing after a dove or play hide and seek with his best friend. These are what little kids do, and I want that for him. That being said, there are lots of kids who have never done some of those things, I'm sure there are many who haven't done a one thing mentioned and they live happy fulfilling lives, but what if they never experienced falling in love? I couldn't imagine.
When I was younger, I always had a girl on my mind; he doesn't necessarily need the "always", but it would be tough to see him "never" have that thought or feeling. Worse yet, he has those feelings but they are not returned. Will he remain constantly heart broken and never "good enough" to be considered a worthy partner in life? Will a young lady ever look at my son and see a man, and not just one to be cared for, but as a lover, partner and potential father; all that goes with a life with someone you love.
We just assume this will happen at some point for our kids right? I mean, when was the last time you looked at your child and thought, "I really am concerned that someone may never love you." It's heartbreaking, no?
We always look at them and think, "I hope you live up to your potential and get straight A's," or "You look just like your mother, and you have her quick wit." Meanwhile they are jabbering about their day or what just happened on TV, but you are thinking all these thoughts about how perfect they are, or depending on the day, how much they frustrate you because they cannot seem to turn the damn lights off in any room at any time ever!!!
Regardless, we all think these random thoughts, but never in the last 8 yrs of Savy's life have I looked at her and thought, "Will someone be able to fall in love with her? Will she experience the beauty of a loving relationship? A family? A true love?" In fact its just the opposite for me when I watch Savy talk. I'm thinking, "This girl is gonna have to beat the guys off with a stick! She is awesome!" You see, I think the same things about Cash, cuz he is awesome too. He's adorable, and I'm sure he will dazzle the ladies with his sky blue eyes, but after they get past those windows to his soul will they think, "What a cute guy, I'll always be here as his friend to help him." or will they think, "I can love this man."
I know it seems like I am rambling a bit, and to be honest I am, but its my fear. I was asked.
Aside from losing him, here was my response and explanation.
My biggest fear for Cash is that he will never get to experience love. The kind you have with your spouse/significant other. Therapy, Special Education, wheelchairs, even surgery do not scare me as much as the possibility Cash never finds love, the romantic kind. A broken heart is better than to never have been loved at all, right?
As a parent, we wish all these things for our kids, many of which I've found to be more for me than him. To see him suit up for a game, or get stuck in the mud at the bay; run across a field chasing after a dove or play hide and seek with his best friend. These are what little kids do, and I want that for him. That being said, there are lots of kids who have never done some of those things, I'm sure there are many who haven't done a one thing mentioned and they live happy fulfilling lives, but what if they never experienced falling in love? I couldn't imagine.
When I was younger, I always had a girl on my mind; he doesn't necessarily need the "always", but it would be tough to see him "never" have that thought or feeling. Worse yet, he has those feelings but they are not returned. Will he remain constantly heart broken and never "good enough" to be considered a worthy partner in life? Will a young lady ever look at my son and see a man, and not just one to be cared for, but as a lover, partner and potential father; all that goes with a life with someone you love.
We just assume this will happen at some point for our kids right? I mean, when was the last time you looked at your child and thought, "I really am concerned that someone may never love you." It's heartbreaking, no?
We always look at them and think, "I hope you live up to your potential and get straight A's," or "You look just like your mother, and you have her quick wit." Meanwhile they are jabbering about their day or what just happened on TV, but you are thinking all these thoughts about how perfect they are, or depending on the day, how much they frustrate you because they cannot seem to turn the damn lights off in any room at any time ever!!!
Regardless, we all think these random thoughts, but never in the last 8 yrs of Savy's life have I looked at her and thought, "Will someone be able to fall in love with her? Will she experience the beauty of a loving relationship? A family? A true love?" In fact its just the opposite for me when I watch Savy talk. I'm thinking, "This girl is gonna have to beat the guys off with a stick! She is awesome!" You see, I think the same things about Cash, cuz he is awesome too. He's adorable, and I'm sure he will dazzle the ladies with his sky blue eyes, but after they get past those windows to his soul will they think, "What a cute guy, I'll always be here as his friend to help him." or will they think, "I can love this man."
I know it seems like I am rambling a bit, and to be honest I am, but its my fear. I was asked.
Sunday, August 26, 2012
Pics Galore!
Some old, some new; all are precious. Enjoy!
Couple videos at the bottom!
Now the vids...
There will be more of this sort of post in the future, as I have finally uploaded all my phone pics on my computer.
Cashtons Grace Foundation is coming along, and the Facebook fan page is up as well. The website, although not finished yet, should be live by September first so we can get to helping all those preemie parents who feel lost and confused.
Thanks for visiting! Chat soon.
God Bless!
Thursday, August 16, 2012
The Teeter Totter
It has been said, "If you love someone set them free..." you know the line.
The problem for me is I really don't want to have to hunt them down. The setting free part is comendable, but what if they don't come back? Or if they do, what if they are different?
I think this is the reason so many parents allow their children to move back in after college(and I'm not talking about a short time while looking for work etc, I'm talking about the 25 yr old who never left and mom still folds his laundry).
Todays post is about my sweet little daughter Savy. Oh man has she grown up a bunch in the last year or two, and I'm having a real problem with it. For the most part, I think its due to Cash. Any newborn needs attention, they need care and love, even coddling and extra concern; but with Cash I worry about him more than I ever did Savy. This is all understandable to most, and I don't apologize for being overprotective of him, but how is this translating to my other child?
I'm left-handed, in the "right" frame of my mind, so I think more in overlapping circles than compartmentalized squares. Savy is left-handed, and 8. Sometimes we are so in line with our thoughts, and other times I feel like a satellite flung out, about to hit the point where I shoot back like a rubberband towards earth just as she's headed towards me the other direction. We pass quickly and then, poof, we cannot even see each other.
So I've been thinking about all this, how our talking about Cash this and Cash that and no I'm sorry we cannot do that because we have a doctors appointment for Cash or the multitude of I forgots presumably due to 99% of my brain mulling over Cash stuff. Guilty. Very guilty everytime it happens.
Now though, she is keeping score and I'm afraid I'm down at least a couple touchdowns.
We bring it back to Savy as much as possible, even taking her on our once Date Nights so she feels special and not forgotten. Her summer was extraordinarily busy with lots of great visits, camps etc, all focused on making sure she wasn't just sitting in doctors offices or therapy sessions watching Cash. I think we did a good job.
But I am reminded of the story my mother has told me countless times about my brother Gerald not long after he came home. Mom asked her 4 yr old(me) to sit with him while she made lunch just a few steps away, then it happened, a blood curdling scream straight from her newborns lips. She darted back to see what was the matter, and I had Geralds fingers clamped between my teeth. I was not letting go. After he settled down, she asked me why, and I said, "I hate him, he took my mommy."
This is all fairly common between siblings, nothing to crazy, but the point is, I was able to get my frustration out and tell my mother why I was angry. Savy has never had that opportunity. Her situation is different, older than I was for sure, but more importantly, she knew he could "break" or maybe a step further, "he was broken already, and needed to be fixed". So out of her good nature, she had to suppress any of those feelings.
This past Sunday Kimbeley left for an out of town job, coming back Tuesday night. Within seconds of her walking in the door, Savy makes it clear she wants her mommy back, even saying to me "I wish you and Cash were not here, and I could snuggle with mommy." I guess she symbolically bit his fingers.
Is it the love she has for her mother, or anxiety from lack of attachment that frustrated her. Are Savy and I butting heads for which reason? Will this question be asked when she goes off to college ? Jealousy? Just growing pains and nothing more? I'm at a loss.
One thing I know for sure, I finally know the answer to how parents love their children diefferently. Its very weird to say you love your kids the same, but at the same time different. Volumes of pages could be written just describing how this works, exists and ultimately benefits each child. It is nearly impossible to really explain, but as a parent you just nod your head and agree.
We don't mean to, and don't really want to, it just is. How we demonstrate this balancing act is kind of like sitting on a teeter totter with your kid. It goes up and down, you doing the majority of the work, but nevertheless it rocks back and forth. One day your kid is up and one day they are down, and same to you; but put another kid of a different weight on the other end and it takes a different amount of effort. I hope I balance the love I have with both, I think I do anyhow. As the parent on one side of that teeter, you just have to make sure the kid waiting their turn doesnt see their siblings totter go higher; or you risk getting scolded, or worse.
To tie all this together, I think Savy is growing up beautifully. I genuinely like her and guess she will have many friends. She has a great demeaner. So we've done something right so far. That being said, I have to let the rope out a little further, while making sure that when she looks back she sees me watching her; all the while, holding Cash.
When I finally have to set her free, I hope she comes back. More importantly, I hope she comes back happy and grateful for the sacrifices her parents made. One thing is for sure, I must let her know how grateful we are for the sacrifices she has and will continue to make. Until then I'll keep the teeter tottering, loving both my kids to the best of my ability. Maybe we all will get through this rough patch as we blaze this path none of us have ever walked before.
I love you Savy. Thank you for everything!
The problem for me is I really don't want to have to hunt them down. The setting free part is comendable, but what if they don't come back? Or if they do, what if they are different?
I think this is the reason so many parents allow their children to move back in after college(and I'm not talking about a short time while looking for work etc, I'm talking about the 25 yr old who never left and mom still folds his laundry).
Todays post is about my sweet little daughter Savy. Oh man has she grown up a bunch in the last year or two, and I'm having a real problem with it. For the most part, I think its due to Cash. Any newborn needs attention, they need care and love, even coddling and extra concern; but with Cash I worry about him more than I ever did Savy. This is all understandable to most, and I don't apologize for being overprotective of him, but how is this translating to my other child?
I'm left-handed, in the "right" frame of my mind, so I think more in overlapping circles than compartmentalized squares. Savy is left-handed, and 8. Sometimes we are so in line with our thoughts, and other times I feel like a satellite flung out, about to hit the point where I shoot back like a rubberband towards earth just as she's headed towards me the other direction. We pass quickly and then, poof, we cannot even see each other.
So I've been thinking about all this, how our talking about Cash this and Cash that and no I'm sorry we cannot do that because we have a doctors appointment for Cash or the multitude of I forgots presumably due to 99% of my brain mulling over Cash stuff. Guilty. Very guilty everytime it happens.
Now though, she is keeping score and I'm afraid I'm down at least a couple touchdowns.
We bring it back to Savy as much as possible, even taking her on our once Date Nights so she feels special and not forgotten. Her summer was extraordinarily busy with lots of great visits, camps etc, all focused on making sure she wasn't just sitting in doctors offices or therapy sessions watching Cash. I think we did a good job.
But I am reminded of the story my mother has told me countless times about my brother Gerald not long after he came home. Mom asked her 4 yr old(me) to sit with him while she made lunch just a few steps away, then it happened, a blood curdling scream straight from her newborns lips. She darted back to see what was the matter, and I had Geralds fingers clamped between my teeth. I was not letting go. After he settled down, she asked me why, and I said, "I hate him, he took my mommy."
This is all fairly common between siblings, nothing to crazy, but the point is, I was able to get my frustration out and tell my mother why I was angry. Savy has never had that opportunity. Her situation is different, older than I was for sure, but more importantly, she knew he could "break" or maybe a step further, "he was broken already, and needed to be fixed". So out of her good nature, she had to suppress any of those feelings.
This past Sunday Kimbeley left for an out of town job, coming back Tuesday night. Within seconds of her walking in the door, Savy makes it clear she wants her mommy back, even saying to me "I wish you and Cash were not here, and I could snuggle with mommy." I guess she symbolically bit his fingers.
Is it the love she has for her mother, or anxiety from lack of attachment that frustrated her. Are Savy and I butting heads for which reason? Will this question be asked when she goes off to college ? Jealousy? Just growing pains and nothing more? I'm at a loss.
One thing I know for sure, I finally know the answer to how parents love their children diefferently. Its very weird to say you love your kids the same, but at the same time different. Volumes of pages could be written just describing how this works, exists and ultimately benefits each child. It is nearly impossible to really explain, but as a parent you just nod your head and agree.
We don't mean to, and don't really want to, it just is. How we demonstrate this balancing act is kind of like sitting on a teeter totter with your kid. It goes up and down, you doing the majority of the work, but nevertheless it rocks back and forth. One day your kid is up and one day they are down, and same to you; but put another kid of a different weight on the other end and it takes a different amount of effort. I hope I balance the love I have with both, I think I do anyhow. As the parent on one side of that teeter, you just have to make sure the kid waiting their turn doesnt see their siblings totter go higher; or you risk getting scolded, or worse.
To tie all this together, I think Savy is growing up beautifully. I genuinely like her and guess she will have many friends. She has a great demeaner. So we've done something right so far. That being said, I have to let the rope out a little further, while making sure that when she looks back she sees me watching her; all the while, holding Cash.
When I finally have to set her free, I hope she comes back. More importantly, I hope she comes back happy and grateful for the sacrifices her parents made. One thing is for sure, I must let her know how grateful we are for the sacrifices she has and will continue to make. Until then I'll keep the teeter tottering, loving both my kids to the best of my ability. Maybe we all will get through this rough patch as we blaze this path none of us have ever walked before.
I love you Savy. Thank you for everything!
Thursday, July 26, 2012
My Son Has Cerebral Palsy
At exactly 1:17 pm, Thursday July 26th, 2012 my son was officially diagnosed with CP. At 1:18 pm, I was absolutely resolute to not allow this to prevent my child from being the best he can be while coping with his condition.
Since December 2011 we knew this was the most likely outcome of Cashton's early arrival.
Cerebral palsy (CP) is an umbrella term encompassing a group of non-progressive,[1][2] non-contagious motor conditions that cause physical disability in human development, chiefly in the various areas of body movement. Cerebral palsy is caused by damage to the motor control centers of the developing brain and can occur during pregnancy, during childbirth or after birth up to about age three.[4][5] Resulting limits in movement and posture cause activity limitation and are often accompanied by disturbances of sensation, depth perception and other sight-based perceptual problems, communication ability; impairments can also be found in cognition, and epilepsy is found in about one-third of cases. CP, no matter what the type, is often accompanied by secondary musculoskeletal problems that arise as a result of the underlying etiology.
We have been blessed with a gorgeous child, who has brought so much joy to us already, but needs us more than ever. His mother and I will provide anything that helps, no matter the cost; but most importantly, will keep giving him all the love he needs to master every milestone the Lord allows him.
Savanah, his big sister, will hug, kiss and play with him like she always has-she is his best friend.
I am heartbroken.
Since December 2011 we knew this was the most likely outcome of Cashton's early arrival.
Cerebral palsy (CP) is an umbrella term encompassing a group of non-progressive,[1][2] non-contagious motor conditions that cause physical disability in human development, chiefly in the various areas of body movement. Cerebral palsy is caused by damage to the motor control centers of the developing brain and can occur during pregnancy, during childbirth or after birth up to about age three.[4][5] Resulting limits in movement and posture cause activity limitation and are often accompanied by disturbances of sensation, depth perception and other sight-based perceptual problems, communication ability; impairments can also be found in cognition, and epilepsy is found in about one-third of cases. CP, no matter what the type, is often accompanied by secondary musculoskeletal problems that arise as a result of the underlying etiology.
We have been blessed with a gorgeous child, who has brought so much joy to us already, but needs us more than ever. His mother and I will provide anything that helps, no matter the cost; but most importantly, will keep giving him all the love he needs to master every milestone the Lord allows him.
Savanah, his big sister, will hug, kiss and play with him like she always has-she is his best friend.
I am heartbroken.
Saturday, July 21, 2012
The Stocking...
Kimberley and I enjoy having breakfast together. Savy watches Cash, or I should say, Cash watches Savy. Anyhow, it gives us time to reconnect and get the day started right, and gives us another opportunity to share thoughts about our kiddos.
This mornings chat was a good one, so I wanted to post it as soon as possible, preserving our thoughts and feelings for our future reflection.
Kim: So yesterday on the way home from work I was thinking about when I will decorate for Christmas.(Yes, K is a control freak/planner. We are going on a family trip the day after Turkey day, the normal time she decorates the house for Christmas) She starts tearing up. K: I remember packing up after Christmas last year and when I Put Cashton's stocking away, I cried and prayed as I folded it up. Me: It was tough not having him home last year, wasn't it? Crying she says K: Yes, but I wasn't sure he would be with us this year. I thought about how hard it would be to open up the boxes and find his stocking if we had lost him. (I sat there speechless) Choked up Me: That prayer has been answered, hasn't it? K: Yes, it has.
We hugged.
I love how close these feelings and talks make us. We cannot believe we are getting so close to his first birthday; miracles do happen, everyday.
Have a great weekend everyone!
This mornings chat was a good one, so I wanted to post it as soon as possible, preserving our thoughts and feelings for our future reflection.
Kim: So yesterday on the way home from work I was thinking about when I will decorate for Christmas.(Yes, K is a control freak/planner. We are going on a family trip the day after Turkey day, the normal time she decorates the house for Christmas) She starts tearing up. K: I remember packing up after Christmas last year and when I Put Cashton's stocking away, I cried and prayed as I folded it up. Me: It was tough not having him home last year, wasn't it? Crying she says K: Yes, but I wasn't sure he would be with us this year. I thought about how hard it would be to open up the boxes and find his stocking if we had lost him. (I sat there speechless) Choked up Me: That prayer has been answered, hasn't it? K: Yes, it has.
We hugged.
I love how close these feelings and talks make us. We cannot believe we are getting so close to his first birthday; miracles do happen, everyday.
Have a great weekend everyone!
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
One Mans Small Is Another Mans Big
They tell you when you start PT or visit with the Neurologist that improvement or change comes in baby steps. You will nod your head in agreement, but hope that the developmental milestones come sooner rather than later. Many times they do. Sometimes they don't.
Cash has now been receiving therapy for about 6 weeks. The first few times are pretty tough to see. Your parental instinct to comfort your baby is strong, and each time he cries you want to jump up and say "Stop!". You know whats best for him, so you allow it to continue. The therapist is pushing your child to do their best and that sometimes means a few tears. I equate it to an adult working out and grunting. It's no fun, but you know whats necessary for you to acheive your goals.
Four times a week, I witness my son screaming, breathing hard and the tears roll down his cheeks. Its just short of miserable, but the end goal makes it worth it. Our therapists are great, and they give Cash time to recover and after a bit, even they know when to say when. We are lucky to have them, good therapists are hard to find.
My pointing this out is not to gain sympathy, but to express how tough these days can be, sometimes. Then there are those amazing moments, like when your child lifts his head and turns it while on his belly. Most parents enjoy this as a typical milestone, expecting it to come in time. We may appreciate it more than most, considering it took about 40 hrs of therapy to reach that goal. Between the therapists four, one hour visits and our additional 30 min to hour workout we give Cash each day, it adds up. Think about Crossfit, or some other hardcore workout, then apply it to a 4 month old(corrected age) and consider it 7 days a week. Sometimes even more. It's a commitment, no doubt.
The little victories that we as parents experience with our children are memorable. The first crawl, the first bite, the first word etc. As a parent of a child with special needs, we get excited when the leg is moved up, before the crawl. One mans small, is another mans big.
Kimberley pulled out the first multiple head rotation while on his belly the other day. I'm glad it happened on her watch, I know that sometimes she feels a little in the dark in regards to therapy.
When these little miracles happen, I always go back to Cash' birth, the viability test and when the nurses started calling Cash Rocky. We've come a long way, but have a long road ahead.
I pray for the strength on those days I don't want to make the drive to PT, or those weeks of seemingly no change, to keep it up and stay positive. I guess I'll just hold my little warrior and wait for his smile, its better than coffee or a red bull. Cash provides the motivation, does the work and manages the shortcomings; all I have to do is encorage him. My job is easy.
Cash has now been receiving therapy for about 6 weeks. The first few times are pretty tough to see. Your parental instinct to comfort your baby is strong, and each time he cries you want to jump up and say "Stop!". You know whats best for him, so you allow it to continue. The therapist is pushing your child to do their best and that sometimes means a few tears. I equate it to an adult working out and grunting. It's no fun, but you know whats necessary for you to acheive your goals.
Four times a week, I witness my son screaming, breathing hard and the tears roll down his cheeks. Its just short of miserable, but the end goal makes it worth it. Our therapists are great, and they give Cash time to recover and after a bit, even they know when to say when. We are lucky to have them, good therapists are hard to find.
My pointing this out is not to gain sympathy, but to express how tough these days can be, sometimes. Then there are those amazing moments, like when your child lifts his head and turns it while on his belly. Most parents enjoy this as a typical milestone, expecting it to come in time. We may appreciate it more than most, considering it took about 40 hrs of therapy to reach that goal. Between the therapists four, one hour visits and our additional 30 min to hour workout we give Cash each day, it adds up. Think about Crossfit, or some other hardcore workout, then apply it to a 4 month old(corrected age) and consider it 7 days a week. Sometimes even more. It's a commitment, no doubt.
The little victories that we as parents experience with our children are memorable. The first crawl, the first bite, the first word etc. As a parent of a child with special needs, we get excited when the leg is moved up, before the crawl. One mans small, is another mans big.
Kimberley pulled out the first multiple head rotation while on his belly the other day. I'm glad it happened on her watch, I know that sometimes she feels a little in the dark in regards to therapy.
When these little miracles happen, I always go back to Cash' birth, the viability test and when the nurses started calling Cash Rocky. We've come a long way, but have a long road ahead.
I pray for the strength on those days I don't want to make the drive to PT, or those weeks of seemingly no change, to keep it up and stay positive. I guess I'll just hold my little warrior and wait for his smile, its better than coffee or a red bull. Cash provides the motivation, does the work and manages the shortcomings; all I have to do is encorage him. My job is easy.
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