We officially survived our first year since the addition of Cash, and did so with flying colors I might add!
My last post was at the end of September, easily the longest stretch without a post. This is probably a good thing, as this blog is more a catharsis for me than anything. That being said, I must be handling and coping with my emotions better these days. Or maybe weve just been too busy for me to think? In either case, its been over 3 months since you last heard from me, so I am prepared to give an update on our hero and villain, as well as the cast of remaining characters in our play of life.
Hero=Cash
I could almost stop there. He is one. He always will be. He defines it, as far as I am concerned. What an amazing little boy he is. So full of laughter and smiles, surprises and curveballs. He continues his therapy 3-4 times per week and always makes his doctor appointments on time. Meanwhile he meets his therapy goals and throws in the occasional "Dadda" or "I bubba" for good measure. He is just now beginning to roll over unprompted, and weve found him on his back a number of times when he left him on his stomach. He hasnt started crawling, or rolling back to front, but his head control and sitting up is coming right along. Long road ahead, but he keeps putting the proverbial foot in front of the other. He makes me proud.
The oxygen is completely a non-concern at this point, though weve added weekly breathing treatments for the slight wheezing he has on occasion. His appetite is undoubtedly Franek. The boy could chew through a bamboo prison I kid you not. Oh, and while speaking of chewing, he has three teeth on the bottom! The tops are not quite there. Preemies are known for having "out of order" teeth ruptures. Stage 3 foods are the staple now with an occasional wafer/toast. The diapers are filling as quickly as his gut.
He has the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen. They speak to me like the blue waters of Roatan. Calm, yet with purpose; Cash can stare a hole through you. I literally get hypnotized at times. His disposition is first rate, and he has avoided any colds so far. RSV shots are on the docket to assist in that venture. His hair is coming in great on top, even long. The back, not so much. Until he sits up on his own, the back of his head will likely not grow much.
It is important to note that he is officially a world traveler! He has now visited two foreign countries and survived a cruise. Those who know us well can attest to the seriousness with which we take travel, so this was a blessing for him to not only join us, but enjoy and tolerate it well. One more blessing to count for sure.
Villain=CP
Its here, its not going anywhere, but it wont consume us anymore than it has. Our new normal includes this barnicle of antagonistic bullshit(Breathe Matthew). However, it does not and will not define Cash or us. Its kind of like having to take work with you on vacation. You know its there. You have to deal with it. How and when you deal with it is up to you, just do yourself a favor and get it done while most others are sleeping so not to disrupt the family time. Get it? Fortunately for us, we love our partners(therapists, nurses), so their visits arent always so clinical. We talk family, politics whatever. Taming the CP is the goal. You cannot kill it. There will never be a day that goes by that I won't think "My son has CP" or "Remember, Cash has a different race to run".
--Whiskey break--
Ok, back. Like I was saying, Cash's differnce is what makes him special. His being special is what gets me through the day. Its an odd position, but one that somehow remedies itself when you allow your head to run the full circle. Its when I stop half way around the bend that I get in trouble. Interestingly, right now anyhow, Cash doesnt seem to mind his foe. He laughs in its face, farts then rolls over and says "I bubba!" How can I get upset over that? I can't.
Heroine(s)=Savanah/Kimberley
I could almost always pair these two up, and even more so now as Savy grows up. She is her mother, no doubt. Not just in looks, but in mannerisms, thought process and attitude. Spittin' image for sure.
Both are amazing with Cash, but lets start with Sissy(Savy).
Sissy got her name by being the big sis. We call Cash, Bubba; Savy is called Sissy. I know what you are thinking, "Somebody likes Urban Cowboy". That was actually an after thought, but I'll take it. Great flick. Savy is doing very well in school, keeps her room decent and takes a shower at least 3 times a week with a little coaxing. I don't understand her avoidance of the shower, cuz as soon as she gets in she doesnt want to get out. Tolstoys War and Peace could be read faster. I'm not kidding, we have to kick her out after 30-40 minutes. We've listened in and have discovered she turns into the director for any given Disney production when she is in her aquatic office. I attribute 30% of our water bill and 15% of the electric bill to her thrice weekly cleaning sessions. We have seen a slight up tick lately in frequency of showering, so the average may be closer to 4 times weekly. Hopefully by the time she hits 5th grade we can count on a near daily occurence, however I am concerned for our pocketbook if that happens.
Speaking of clean, Kimberley maintains her squeaky clean image. Still chugging along growing her business while just as effectively keeping both myself and Savy in line. Her travel schedule has settled down a bit as of late, but for a couple months it seemed she was gone at least 8 days a month. Maybe thats just in my head and its actually 4 days, but in either case, I miss her when she's gone. We are working on that, diligently.
Sticking with the Greek Tragedy theme of the play references Electra=Finances
Speaking of trying to keep Kim off the road, weve recently made several financial decisions. I'll save you the minor details but the big ones include moving, trading in my truck for a small car and a spending freeze on non-essential items. I would encourage everyone reading to call your cell phone, cable, internet and insurance companies; I did, and managed to save $300 a month! These things add up. These changes along with the big stuff have had no affect on our happiness or convenience, but in total amount to tens of thousands a year. We now save more than we spend, which is an amazing feeling. In case you were wondering, we chose the Dave Ramsey method to do this, though I made a couple modifications to the program. Overall though, Dave is a great coach and his books "Total Money Makeover" and "Financial Peace" are easy to understand, direct and effective reads for those serious about a dramatic change in their financial life. We've literally saved as much in the last 6 months as we had the 3 yrs prior. It can be dramatic. The best part is, we can do more good with our savings and not feel so afraid to let more go to charity and the like. Its a great feeling. Enough with my preaching. Finances will have you kill yourself and your mother, if not careful.
__________________________For the first time ever, I just deleted 2 paragraphs of something I wanted to say but didnt. Maybe some day I will________________________________________
2012 sucked for the most part. It was a very tough year. I hope noone tries to tell me otherwise. Something like, "But look how beautiful Cash is, didn't 2012 end up great?" Blah blah blah. It sucked, and it sucked bad. I'm biting my tongue here. The first 5 months were miserable, and that followed two months of complete hell. I pray I never see another year even close to 2012, and my wish for all of you is that you never have to endure something similar. Some of you have, many of you will at some point. All I can say is, have your relationships prepared, have your heart in the right place and hold the fuck on.
I welcome 2013 with open arms, cuz if I can have 12 months close to what I've had the last 3, I'm gonna be sittin' pretty with my girls, my boy and a fruity drink on the beach somewhere.
Here's to hoping 13 is just a number! Cheers to each and everyone one of you. Happy life, happy wife, happy children, healthy bodies and tidy home. God bless you and talk to ya soon!
Pura Vida
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
Friday, September 28, 2012
Breathtaking...
Most of you have followed our story from day one, and many know the tests that have been put in front of us over the last 11 months. We never know exactly how or when these little tests pop up, but they do and we learn to cope. Adapt. Like Darwin said, the survivors are not necessarily the strongest, but those who willfully adapt.
Over the last two months our medical supply company changed, and we've not been happy about it. New company means retraining, reordering, new delivery times etc etc. The most important of these are the pulse oximeter probes that we wrap around Cash's feet, which plug into the monitor. They keep track of his pulse and oxygen levels.
After a hiccup in delivery, we only received 2 probes which is nearly impossible to stretch out over a month's worth of use. So we adapted. Last night Cash slept without being monitored for the first time in his life. A pacifier for us, to lose this monitoring was nerve busting to say the least. He survived.
The point of this blog is not to mull the details of probes, but to emphasize the point that as a family we have learned to morph and adapt, adjust and change into the new normal. I think we are doing very well.
Savy has been a big concern for us, for obvious reasons. She has the occasional break down at school and home, but for the most part she has been great. Yesterday we met with her new teachers and they gave us a huge compliment. Not only is Savy doing well in school with regards to grades, but they also made note that she avoids drama(Probably already has enough). They continued, saying she is very empathetic, caring for other kids and always lending a hand. What a great thing to hear!! We were so proud.
So we are just trucking along, doing the routine and adjusting into our La Vida Loca. As I type this Cash is having his 4th therapy session this week. He continues to amaze me. What a strong will and headstrong determination he has. I love him so much.
Thank you God for all your blessings. Amen
Over the last two months our medical supply company changed, and we've not been happy about it. New company means retraining, reordering, new delivery times etc etc. The most important of these are the pulse oximeter probes that we wrap around Cash's feet, which plug into the monitor. They keep track of his pulse and oxygen levels.
After a hiccup in delivery, we only received 2 probes which is nearly impossible to stretch out over a month's worth of use. So we adapted. Last night Cash slept without being monitored for the first time in his life. A pacifier for us, to lose this monitoring was nerve busting to say the least. He survived.
The point of this blog is not to mull the details of probes, but to emphasize the point that as a family we have learned to morph and adapt, adjust and change into the new normal. I think we are doing very well.
Savy has been a big concern for us, for obvious reasons. She has the occasional break down at school and home, but for the most part she has been great. Yesterday we met with her new teachers and they gave us a huge compliment. Not only is Savy doing well in school with regards to grades, but they also made note that she avoids drama(Probably already has enough). They continued, saying she is very empathetic, caring for other kids and always lending a hand. What a great thing to hear!! We were so proud.
So we are just trucking along, doing the routine and adjusting into our La Vida Loca. As I type this Cash is having his 4th therapy session this week. He continues to amaze me. What a strong will and headstrong determination he has. I love him so much.
Thank you God for all your blessings. Amen
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
My Wife/His Mother
The list of reasons why we all love our wives and mothers is sure to be the longest. It is for all these reasons that authors, songwriters, poets and speakers have given so much thought and paper to the subject. To try and make a list for Kimberley would be futile; nothing more than a re-hash of what has already been said.
The simple fact that only a woman may carry our most precious gifts in life is testament enough to the respect they deserve, have earned and should be given. The list of women who have made the history books or are revered in the scripture are plenty. Many times they give us a perspective in life that could only be defined through the eyes and thoughts of an experienced, responsible woman.
My wife is no different. On the outside she is tougher than she needs to be. An armour encases her that is nearly impenetrable. I've been lucky enough to get past it, ashave her children. Few people will ever have that pleasure, nor the ability to do so.
Todays post is about her "inside". That glitter glue that holds her together. At her core, Kimberley is a traditional mother. Her work is important, but she prides herself most on her children. She is firm but fair, kind and reasonable, but has high standards. She smiles the most when around her kids. She has high hopes, big dreams and many goals for anyone in her life, but her children will always have a high bar to clear.
These traits are all what I admire most about her. In an age of mediocrity, low standards, gray areas and exceptions, Kimberley says no. She wants the best. It is why we fight to keep Savy in private school, push her to want more and have provided the best in care and therapy for Cash. If we had to sell everything to give either of them anything for their education or health, it would be done without thinking twice.
All of this comes with a price however, and I'm not talking about money this time. To raise your children with this mantra takes effort, time and resilience to stay the course. We are problem solvers, never blaming another and always taking full responsibility. Our methods and measuring stick must change for Cash. Kimberley is having a hard time of it.
With Savy, its easy: She comes home with an 88 on a spelling test and you ask her if she did her best. The next week we study a few minutes more and poof its a 100. Problem solved.
Health issues are different, specifically disabilities. If you get sick, you do what you can to get well. Most disease can be fought, sometimes at much cost. Vaccines prevent, eating right drops the pounds and an antibiotic kills the bug. Disabilities, at least CP, cannot be "fixed". For a problem solving mother who believes trying harder and doing your best will get you your reward, this is baffling.
Savy is becoming more aware of the differences between Cash and other children his age, now 10.5 months. It has been hard for us to explain this to her and having her understand that this is not a punishment of sins, rather a blessing we cannot explain, yet. These conversations are taxing for Kimberley and I, taking our already emotionally charged minds to another stratosphere. Anyone who has dealt with a long term illness or disability can attest that there are times you are completely consumed by the thoughts of why, how etc. These emotional rollercoasters, I assume, will level off in time as the "new normal" places itself firmly in our everyday lives. I pray. On the other hand, on good days, you don't stop thinking about it, but you cope and manage your way through it. Think about the first time your child drove a car without you, or went on a date. You know how you are thinking about them the whole time they are away, that little worry or concern you cannot let go of until they walk back through the door; this is our good day.
We are hypersensitive to all of Cash's needs. If Savy has a bump or bruise, we look, apply the band-aid and tell her to get over it. Cash is another matter. I'll give you an example. CP kids work so hard to move, and the effort to make a movement takes more energy and time than most. There are times Cash will be in a completely relaxed state, recharging his batteries if you will, while just staring at you. This happened last night while Kim took Cash for a walk. She came back within 5 minutes upset and beside herself. Crying, she explained that he seemed distant and blank. Her time is valuable with Cash and that he wasn't having an "interactive" time with her, hurt her feelings. She asked if there was something wrong with him. Is the shunt blocked? Had the surgery gone wrong? Will he not be able to communicate with us? Questions that are hard to ask, much less answer. I explained that he has these moments and why. She should not worry, but my words can only ease the concern, not make it go away.
We have a lot in front of us, and the how's, why's and worry will continue, possibly forever.
We can learn to cope and measure Cash by another stick, and he will make progress,as he already has. We will communicate, no telling exactly how just yet. Maybe he will be a writer, or maybe he will just smile a lot, but one thing is for sure; no one will ever understand our son like we will.
Kimberley is having a rough time, it is to be expected; she will adapt. Her standards will remain high, but how she grades the report will have to change. We must not jump to conclusions, no matter how much we need answers. Savy must remain a priority and not allow her to get lost in our shortcomings and stress, all the while including her in our journey to understanding.
Meanwhile, Cash will rest, grow and become stronger; laughing and smiling when he deems fit.
Kimberley,
I want you to always know you are not on your own. I will always be here for you, as will Savy.
Find your peace in knowing you have been chosen to care for a miracle. When I get down, I look at him and think of 11/4/11; he has come so far, so have we. Much too far to give credit only to health providors and our efforts. God is working in him and us. We must let him continue to do so. I would not want anyone else to walk this path with me. Remember the picture I made for you? Its a mountain in front of us, but we get to the top by climbing the hills.
I love you,
Matthew
Here are some verses I find helpful:
Matthew 5:5 Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.
Phillipians 4:13 I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me
1 Peter 4:1 Since therefore Christ suffered in the flesh, arm yourselves with the same way of thinking, for whoever has suffered in the flesh has ceased from sin...
The simple fact that only a woman may carry our most precious gifts in life is testament enough to the respect they deserve, have earned and should be given. The list of women who have made the history books or are revered in the scripture are plenty. Many times they give us a perspective in life that could only be defined through the eyes and thoughts of an experienced, responsible woman.
My wife is no different. On the outside she is tougher than she needs to be. An armour encases her that is nearly impenetrable. I've been lucky enough to get past it, ashave her children. Few people will ever have that pleasure, nor the ability to do so.
Todays post is about her "inside". That glitter glue that holds her together. At her core, Kimberley is a traditional mother. Her work is important, but she prides herself most on her children. She is firm but fair, kind and reasonable, but has high standards. She smiles the most when around her kids. She has high hopes, big dreams and many goals for anyone in her life, but her children will always have a high bar to clear.
These traits are all what I admire most about her. In an age of mediocrity, low standards, gray areas and exceptions, Kimberley says no. She wants the best. It is why we fight to keep Savy in private school, push her to want more and have provided the best in care and therapy for Cash. If we had to sell everything to give either of them anything for their education or health, it would be done without thinking twice.
All of this comes with a price however, and I'm not talking about money this time. To raise your children with this mantra takes effort, time and resilience to stay the course. We are problem solvers, never blaming another and always taking full responsibility. Our methods and measuring stick must change for Cash. Kimberley is having a hard time of it.
With Savy, its easy: She comes home with an 88 on a spelling test and you ask her if she did her best. The next week we study a few minutes more and poof its a 100. Problem solved.
Health issues are different, specifically disabilities. If you get sick, you do what you can to get well. Most disease can be fought, sometimes at much cost. Vaccines prevent, eating right drops the pounds and an antibiotic kills the bug. Disabilities, at least CP, cannot be "fixed". For a problem solving mother who believes trying harder and doing your best will get you your reward, this is baffling.
Savy is becoming more aware of the differences between Cash and other children his age, now 10.5 months. It has been hard for us to explain this to her and having her understand that this is not a punishment of sins, rather a blessing we cannot explain, yet. These conversations are taxing for Kimberley and I, taking our already emotionally charged minds to another stratosphere. Anyone who has dealt with a long term illness or disability can attest that there are times you are completely consumed by the thoughts of why, how etc. These emotional rollercoasters, I assume, will level off in time as the "new normal" places itself firmly in our everyday lives. I pray. On the other hand, on good days, you don't stop thinking about it, but you cope and manage your way through it. Think about the first time your child drove a car without you, or went on a date. You know how you are thinking about them the whole time they are away, that little worry or concern you cannot let go of until they walk back through the door; this is our good day.
We are hypersensitive to all of Cash's needs. If Savy has a bump or bruise, we look, apply the band-aid and tell her to get over it. Cash is another matter. I'll give you an example. CP kids work so hard to move, and the effort to make a movement takes more energy and time than most. There are times Cash will be in a completely relaxed state, recharging his batteries if you will, while just staring at you. This happened last night while Kim took Cash for a walk. She came back within 5 minutes upset and beside herself. Crying, she explained that he seemed distant and blank. Her time is valuable with Cash and that he wasn't having an "interactive" time with her, hurt her feelings. She asked if there was something wrong with him. Is the shunt blocked? Had the surgery gone wrong? Will he not be able to communicate with us? Questions that are hard to ask, much less answer. I explained that he has these moments and why. She should not worry, but my words can only ease the concern, not make it go away.
We have a lot in front of us, and the how's, why's and worry will continue, possibly forever.
We can learn to cope and measure Cash by another stick, and he will make progress,as he already has. We will communicate, no telling exactly how just yet. Maybe he will be a writer, or maybe he will just smile a lot, but one thing is for sure; no one will ever understand our son like we will.
Kimberley is having a rough time, it is to be expected; she will adapt. Her standards will remain high, but how she grades the report will have to change. We must not jump to conclusions, no matter how much we need answers. Savy must remain a priority and not allow her to get lost in our shortcomings and stress, all the while including her in our journey to understanding.
Meanwhile, Cash will rest, grow and become stronger; laughing and smiling when he deems fit.
Kimberley,
I want you to always know you are not on your own. I will always be here for you, as will Savy.
Find your peace in knowing you have been chosen to care for a miracle. When I get down, I look at him and think of 11/4/11; he has come so far, so have we. Much too far to give credit only to health providors and our efforts. God is working in him and us. We must let him continue to do so. I would not want anyone else to walk this path with me. Remember the picture I made for you? Its a mountain in front of us, but we get to the top by climbing the hills.
I love you,
Matthew
Here are some verses I find helpful:
Matthew 5:5 Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.
Phillipians 4:13 I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me
1 Peter 4:1 Since therefore Christ suffered in the flesh, arm yourselves with the same way of thinking, for whoever has suffered in the flesh has ceased from sin...
Thursday, September 13, 2012
Surgery...again
Not as big of a deal, but still a surgery.
Cash has had a hernia since birth that needs to be corrected. It has also prevented one testicle from dropping. Then theres the old circumcision, put on hold til now. These three minor procedures will begin at 8:15am Friday Sept 14, 2012.
The only part we are really worried about is that he will be put under, and will be assisted with O2.
This may cause him to need O2 assistance for a day or two after. We are just nervous about taking steps backwards in this department. He is still a little shaky in his O2 levels.
The surgery is scheduled overnight, but they will release him if doing well, the same day.
Bubba aint gonna be a happy camper the next few days, thats for sure. Thankfully we have our outstanding nurse coming Saturday to help us the first day with cleaning incisions and keeping Cash comfortable.
So, it looks like this weekend will be football overload while we care for our little boy. Here's to hoping we don't have any complications or additional surgeries for at least a year. Thanks for your prayers in advance!
Cashtons Daddy
Cash has had a hernia since birth that needs to be corrected. It has also prevented one testicle from dropping. Then theres the old circumcision, put on hold til now. These three minor procedures will begin at 8:15am Friday Sept 14, 2012.
The only part we are really worried about is that he will be put under, and will be assisted with O2.
This may cause him to need O2 assistance for a day or two after. We are just nervous about taking steps backwards in this department. He is still a little shaky in his O2 levels.
The surgery is scheduled overnight, but they will release him if doing well, the same day.
Bubba aint gonna be a happy camper the next few days, thats for sure. Thankfully we have our outstanding nurse coming Saturday to help us the first day with cleaning incisions and keeping Cash comfortable.
So, it looks like this weekend will be football overload while we care for our little boy. Here's to hoping we don't have any complications or additional surgeries for at least a year. Thanks for your prayers in advance!
Cashtons Daddy
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
My Biggest Fear...
I was asked recently what my biggest fear for Cash is.
Aside from losing him, here was my response and explanation.
My biggest fear for Cash is that he will never get to experience love. The kind you have with your spouse/significant other. Therapy, Special Education, wheelchairs, even surgery do not scare me as much as the possibility Cash never finds love, the romantic kind. A broken heart is better than to never have been loved at all, right?
As a parent, we wish all these things for our kids, many of which I've found to be more for me than him. To see him suit up for a game, or get stuck in the mud at the bay; run across a field chasing after a dove or play hide and seek with his best friend. These are what little kids do, and I want that for him. That being said, there are lots of kids who have never done some of those things, I'm sure there are many who haven't done a one thing mentioned and they live happy fulfilling lives, but what if they never experienced falling in love? I couldn't imagine.
When I was younger, I always had a girl on my mind; he doesn't necessarily need the "always", but it would be tough to see him "never" have that thought or feeling. Worse yet, he has those feelings but they are not returned. Will he remain constantly heart broken and never "good enough" to be considered a worthy partner in life? Will a young lady ever look at my son and see a man, and not just one to be cared for, but as a lover, partner and potential father; all that goes with a life with someone you love.
We just assume this will happen at some point for our kids right? I mean, when was the last time you looked at your child and thought, "I really am concerned that someone may never love you." It's heartbreaking, no?
We always look at them and think, "I hope you live up to your potential and get straight A's," or "You look just like your mother, and you have her quick wit." Meanwhile they are jabbering about their day or what just happened on TV, but you are thinking all these thoughts about how perfect they are, or depending on the day, how much they frustrate you because they cannot seem to turn the damn lights off in any room at any time ever!!!
Regardless, we all think these random thoughts, but never in the last 8 yrs of Savy's life have I looked at her and thought, "Will someone be able to fall in love with her? Will she experience the beauty of a loving relationship? A family? A true love?" In fact its just the opposite for me when I watch Savy talk. I'm thinking, "This girl is gonna have to beat the guys off with a stick! She is awesome!" You see, I think the same things about Cash, cuz he is awesome too. He's adorable, and I'm sure he will dazzle the ladies with his sky blue eyes, but after they get past those windows to his soul will they think, "What a cute guy, I'll always be here as his friend to help him." or will they think, "I can love this man."
I know it seems like I am rambling a bit, and to be honest I am, but its my fear. I was asked.
Aside from losing him, here was my response and explanation.
My biggest fear for Cash is that he will never get to experience love. The kind you have with your spouse/significant other. Therapy, Special Education, wheelchairs, even surgery do not scare me as much as the possibility Cash never finds love, the romantic kind. A broken heart is better than to never have been loved at all, right?
As a parent, we wish all these things for our kids, many of which I've found to be more for me than him. To see him suit up for a game, or get stuck in the mud at the bay; run across a field chasing after a dove or play hide and seek with his best friend. These are what little kids do, and I want that for him. That being said, there are lots of kids who have never done some of those things, I'm sure there are many who haven't done a one thing mentioned and they live happy fulfilling lives, but what if they never experienced falling in love? I couldn't imagine.
When I was younger, I always had a girl on my mind; he doesn't necessarily need the "always", but it would be tough to see him "never" have that thought or feeling. Worse yet, he has those feelings but they are not returned. Will he remain constantly heart broken and never "good enough" to be considered a worthy partner in life? Will a young lady ever look at my son and see a man, and not just one to be cared for, but as a lover, partner and potential father; all that goes with a life with someone you love.
We just assume this will happen at some point for our kids right? I mean, when was the last time you looked at your child and thought, "I really am concerned that someone may never love you." It's heartbreaking, no?
We always look at them and think, "I hope you live up to your potential and get straight A's," or "You look just like your mother, and you have her quick wit." Meanwhile they are jabbering about their day or what just happened on TV, but you are thinking all these thoughts about how perfect they are, or depending on the day, how much they frustrate you because they cannot seem to turn the damn lights off in any room at any time ever!!!
Regardless, we all think these random thoughts, but never in the last 8 yrs of Savy's life have I looked at her and thought, "Will someone be able to fall in love with her? Will she experience the beauty of a loving relationship? A family? A true love?" In fact its just the opposite for me when I watch Savy talk. I'm thinking, "This girl is gonna have to beat the guys off with a stick! She is awesome!" You see, I think the same things about Cash, cuz he is awesome too. He's adorable, and I'm sure he will dazzle the ladies with his sky blue eyes, but after they get past those windows to his soul will they think, "What a cute guy, I'll always be here as his friend to help him." or will they think, "I can love this man."
I know it seems like I am rambling a bit, and to be honest I am, but its my fear. I was asked.
Sunday, August 26, 2012
Pics Galore!
Some old, some new; all are precious. Enjoy!
Couple videos at the bottom!
Now the vids...
There will be more of this sort of post in the future, as I have finally uploaded all my phone pics on my computer.
Cashtons Grace Foundation is coming along, and the Facebook fan page is up as well. The website, although not finished yet, should be live by September first so we can get to helping all those preemie parents who feel lost and confused.
Thanks for visiting! Chat soon.
God Bless!
Thursday, August 16, 2012
The Teeter Totter
It has been said, "If you love someone set them free..." you know the line.
The problem for me is I really don't want to have to hunt them down. The setting free part is comendable, but what if they don't come back? Or if they do, what if they are different?
I think this is the reason so many parents allow their children to move back in after college(and I'm not talking about a short time while looking for work etc, I'm talking about the 25 yr old who never left and mom still folds his laundry).
Todays post is about my sweet little daughter Savy. Oh man has she grown up a bunch in the last year or two, and I'm having a real problem with it. For the most part, I think its due to Cash. Any newborn needs attention, they need care and love, even coddling and extra concern; but with Cash I worry about him more than I ever did Savy. This is all understandable to most, and I don't apologize for being overprotective of him, but how is this translating to my other child?
I'm left-handed, in the "right" frame of my mind, so I think more in overlapping circles than compartmentalized squares. Savy is left-handed, and 8. Sometimes we are so in line with our thoughts, and other times I feel like a satellite flung out, about to hit the point where I shoot back like a rubberband towards earth just as she's headed towards me the other direction. We pass quickly and then, poof, we cannot even see each other.
So I've been thinking about all this, how our talking about Cash this and Cash that and no I'm sorry we cannot do that because we have a doctors appointment for Cash or the multitude of I forgots presumably due to 99% of my brain mulling over Cash stuff. Guilty. Very guilty everytime it happens.
Now though, she is keeping score and I'm afraid I'm down at least a couple touchdowns.
We bring it back to Savy as much as possible, even taking her on our once Date Nights so she feels special and not forgotten. Her summer was extraordinarily busy with lots of great visits, camps etc, all focused on making sure she wasn't just sitting in doctors offices or therapy sessions watching Cash. I think we did a good job.
But I am reminded of the story my mother has told me countless times about my brother Gerald not long after he came home. Mom asked her 4 yr old(me) to sit with him while she made lunch just a few steps away, then it happened, a blood curdling scream straight from her newborns lips. She darted back to see what was the matter, and I had Geralds fingers clamped between my teeth. I was not letting go. After he settled down, she asked me why, and I said, "I hate him, he took my mommy."
This is all fairly common between siblings, nothing to crazy, but the point is, I was able to get my frustration out and tell my mother why I was angry. Savy has never had that opportunity. Her situation is different, older than I was for sure, but more importantly, she knew he could "break" or maybe a step further, "he was broken already, and needed to be fixed". So out of her good nature, she had to suppress any of those feelings.
This past Sunday Kimbeley left for an out of town job, coming back Tuesday night. Within seconds of her walking in the door, Savy makes it clear she wants her mommy back, even saying to me "I wish you and Cash were not here, and I could snuggle with mommy." I guess she symbolically bit his fingers.
Is it the love she has for her mother, or anxiety from lack of attachment that frustrated her. Are Savy and I butting heads for which reason? Will this question be asked when she goes off to college ? Jealousy? Just growing pains and nothing more? I'm at a loss.
One thing I know for sure, I finally know the answer to how parents love their children diefferently. Its very weird to say you love your kids the same, but at the same time different. Volumes of pages could be written just describing how this works, exists and ultimately benefits each child. It is nearly impossible to really explain, but as a parent you just nod your head and agree.
We don't mean to, and don't really want to, it just is. How we demonstrate this balancing act is kind of like sitting on a teeter totter with your kid. It goes up and down, you doing the majority of the work, but nevertheless it rocks back and forth. One day your kid is up and one day they are down, and same to you; but put another kid of a different weight on the other end and it takes a different amount of effort. I hope I balance the love I have with both, I think I do anyhow. As the parent on one side of that teeter, you just have to make sure the kid waiting their turn doesnt see their siblings totter go higher; or you risk getting scolded, or worse.
To tie all this together, I think Savy is growing up beautifully. I genuinely like her and guess she will have many friends. She has a great demeaner. So we've done something right so far. That being said, I have to let the rope out a little further, while making sure that when she looks back she sees me watching her; all the while, holding Cash.
When I finally have to set her free, I hope she comes back. More importantly, I hope she comes back happy and grateful for the sacrifices her parents made. One thing is for sure, I must let her know how grateful we are for the sacrifices she has and will continue to make. Until then I'll keep the teeter tottering, loving both my kids to the best of my ability. Maybe we all will get through this rough patch as we blaze this path none of us have ever walked before.
I love you Savy. Thank you for everything!
The problem for me is I really don't want to have to hunt them down. The setting free part is comendable, but what if they don't come back? Or if they do, what if they are different?
I think this is the reason so many parents allow their children to move back in after college(and I'm not talking about a short time while looking for work etc, I'm talking about the 25 yr old who never left and mom still folds his laundry).
Todays post is about my sweet little daughter Savy. Oh man has she grown up a bunch in the last year or two, and I'm having a real problem with it. For the most part, I think its due to Cash. Any newborn needs attention, they need care and love, even coddling and extra concern; but with Cash I worry about him more than I ever did Savy. This is all understandable to most, and I don't apologize for being overprotective of him, but how is this translating to my other child?
I'm left-handed, in the "right" frame of my mind, so I think more in overlapping circles than compartmentalized squares. Savy is left-handed, and 8. Sometimes we are so in line with our thoughts, and other times I feel like a satellite flung out, about to hit the point where I shoot back like a rubberband towards earth just as she's headed towards me the other direction. We pass quickly and then, poof, we cannot even see each other.
So I've been thinking about all this, how our talking about Cash this and Cash that and no I'm sorry we cannot do that because we have a doctors appointment for Cash or the multitude of I forgots presumably due to 99% of my brain mulling over Cash stuff. Guilty. Very guilty everytime it happens.
Now though, she is keeping score and I'm afraid I'm down at least a couple touchdowns.
We bring it back to Savy as much as possible, even taking her on our once Date Nights so she feels special and not forgotten. Her summer was extraordinarily busy with lots of great visits, camps etc, all focused on making sure she wasn't just sitting in doctors offices or therapy sessions watching Cash. I think we did a good job.
But I am reminded of the story my mother has told me countless times about my brother Gerald not long after he came home. Mom asked her 4 yr old(me) to sit with him while she made lunch just a few steps away, then it happened, a blood curdling scream straight from her newborns lips. She darted back to see what was the matter, and I had Geralds fingers clamped between my teeth. I was not letting go. After he settled down, she asked me why, and I said, "I hate him, he took my mommy."
This is all fairly common between siblings, nothing to crazy, but the point is, I was able to get my frustration out and tell my mother why I was angry. Savy has never had that opportunity. Her situation is different, older than I was for sure, but more importantly, she knew he could "break" or maybe a step further, "he was broken already, and needed to be fixed". So out of her good nature, she had to suppress any of those feelings.
This past Sunday Kimbeley left for an out of town job, coming back Tuesday night. Within seconds of her walking in the door, Savy makes it clear she wants her mommy back, even saying to me "I wish you and Cash were not here, and I could snuggle with mommy." I guess she symbolically bit his fingers.
Is it the love she has for her mother, or anxiety from lack of attachment that frustrated her. Are Savy and I butting heads for which reason? Will this question be asked when she goes off to college ? Jealousy? Just growing pains and nothing more? I'm at a loss.
One thing I know for sure, I finally know the answer to how parents love their children diefferently. Its very weird to say you love your kids the same, but at the same time different. Volumes of pages could be written just describing how this works, exists and ultimately benefits each child. It is nearly impossible to really explain, but as a parent you just nod your head and agree.
We don't mean to, and don't really want to, it just is. How we demonstrate this balancing act is kind of like sitting on a teeter totter with your kid. It goes up and down, you doing the majority of the work, but nevertheless it rocks back and forth. One day your kid is up and one day they are down, and same to you; but put another kid of a different weight on the other end and it takes a different amount of effort. I hope I balance the love I have with both, I think I do anyhow. As the parent on one side of that teeter, you just have to make sure the kid waiting their turn doesnt see their siblings totter go higher; or you risk getting scolded, or worse.
To tie all this together, I think Savy is growing up beautifully. I genuinely like her and guess she will have many friends. She has a great demeaner. So we've done something right so far. That being said, I have to let the rope out a little further, while making sure that when she looks back she sees me watching her; all the while, holding Cash.
When I finally have to set her free, I hope she comes back. More importantly, I hope she comes back happy and grateful for the sacrifices her parents made. One thing is for sure, I must let her know how grateful we are for the sacrifices she has and will continue to make. Until then I'll keep the teeter tottering, loving both my kids to the best of my ability. Maybe we all will get through this rough patch as we blaze this path none of us have ever walked before.
I love you Savy. Thank you for everything!
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