Our Heads Are Spinning...

This last week has been a bunch of ups and downs. The first few days were great, he was eating well, had good o2 numbers and rarely any scares. Then on Monday, Cash had his weekly brain scan. All heck broke loose. I had already gotten home with Savy when Kim called crying. She had reviewed the x-ray with the doc and his brain bleed had grown approximately 350%. She was devestated. Nearly one whole side of his brain was black, meaning full of blood. The ventricle had essentially exploded/leaked blood and spinal fluid all around his right side. The left side had gotten a little better. We decided to sleep on it, and both go back on Tuesday to discuss with the Neurosurgeon.

Tuesday got worse. Now we are being told about Shunts(a tube that runs under the skin from the brain down the neck into the stomach that would be there permanantly.) Severe brain damage was mentioned. We were also told they see lots of scans and this scan was "significant".  My son would have a tube in his body his whole life. Long term mental issues, deficiencies of all kinds etc etc. These are for a lifetime. Now our 4 month stay seemed easy. We never were able to speak with the Nuerosurgeon.

We cried, and cried. I hid in a construction zone at the hospital to let it out. Kim cried during skin to skin time, but managed to smile some of the way through it while looking at him. She always feels best when he is sleeping on her, and he does as well. We were going to have a lifelong commitment to treatment, both physically and emotionally to a child who may need round the clock care, nurses etc. We were thinking, and told about the worst. Cerebal Palsy, Chronic Ventriculomegaly and Perinatal Intraventricular Hemorrhage were the words of the day. Brain surgery was being discussed. Tuesday night was rough, and we tried to give more details to Savy. She, thankfully, couldnt wait to get back to the Disney channel. Late that night we are told surgery would not take place yet, due to size. We didn't know how to act or what to think.

Today came at 5am and we both agreed to try and make the day the best possible. After laying in bed talking about these developments for two hours, we took Savy to school and met with Pastor Webb at church. He is a smart man, and has a kind of old school way about him, allowing for a strong but tender emotional support for us, and never saying too much. Its interesting to see how a guy who says the exact amount of words; not too much or too little manages to still convey a deep message. We left with our hearts and spirits lifted, ready to take on whatever came Cash' way.

The visit today included an appearance but my brother Gerald and his sweet wife Rachel. They came in on their only day to shop for their own kids, and met their little nephew. Kim did skin to skin and Cash was very stable. Sweet as always, he looked at us and sucked his thumb a little. We just couldn't wrap our heads around the previous days news, he is always so responsive and reactive to his surroundings. We listened to the "rounds" with the doctors, reviewed his vitals, hernia, and now some sort of rash, but the brain bleeds were weighing heavily on our minds. I sent Gerald and Rachel on their way and while I was gone the Neurosurgeon, Dr. Whitehead, met with Kim.

So I come back and Kim, still holding Cash, immediately starts in about her chat. Lots of medical stuff here, but here is the lay persons short explanation. He is very small, but the primary reason he didn't want to do surgery, yet, was because he didn't see or feel (yes...he squeezes Cash' head and can make determinations by the way it feels) any pressure on his frontal lobe. This is not too say there will not be a surgery in the future, but for now, none. He even thought that Cash' head was actually doing what it should be doing. I was speechless, I mean pardon my French but WTF! My emotions are freaking out! One day its the worst, the next its not great, but all is working the way it should? Jeesh. Kim told him what the doctors told us the day before and she described his response as "taken back". He seemed to have thought they were premature with these sorts of talks. He did say that that was their territory, but that he didnt feel we were at that point.

Moral of the story: We are friggin' exhausted, and I'm going to pray Dr. Whitehead is correct. Who knows, but at this point I'll take every glimmer of hope and good news and hang on to that harder than Ty Murray cinched up on ol' Rusty; know what I'm sayin"? Can you feel me?